Sorry if this very depressing to you....

I'm not sure when I'm going to post next...
I'll try posting soon but i'm sort of depressed at the moment...
that's probably because I'm really home sick!
I miss South Africa so much!
It's like I've left my heart and soul there and I'm stuck with my body!
I don't even know Who I Am any more.....
I've lost myself and I can't find me anymore...
I used to be able to find myself at the end of each day but I can't any more...
If anyone asked me to describe myself I would say I'm fifteen have curly dark brown hair and dark brown eyes, my favourite colour is black and my favourite animal is a wolf but other than that... I don't know... I know what my favourites are but I don't know myself...
It used to be every time I went to school it was like I was walking in a strangers body, then I'd get home and I'd find myself again, so I was me again but now it's every day I'm walking round as this stranger and everytime i get home I search for myself but find nothing... It makes me want to cry, not being able to find myself.. not knowing who I am... I'm a stranger to myself 24/7 ...
It's the worst feeling ever!
I feel like this everyday until I climb into bed and have to face whatever nightmare i'm going to have that night... i don't know I'm going to have a nightmare every night but i know i'm not going to have a dream....
I miss South Africa like a child would miss it's parents/home/family!! Like a blind person misses colour! Like a mother who's child Died before she even layed eyes on it! Like a bird without wings!!!
Every day I feel like my heart is being ripped apart and then i pull it back together only to have it get ripped apart again!
But it's not just myself I miss... I miss my mom... I see her every day but it's like the love has changed.. like she doesn't love me as much and loves my sister even more than she used to...
I keep feeling like my mom, sister, dad and my family are disapointed in me and i don't know how to fix that...
But despite all the loneliness and depression i've desided I'm going to eat healthier food exercise properly and become more healthy in body because even if my heart and soul are in South Africa i know that i need to fix myself if I ever want to find myself again... and maybe if I fix my body (cause at the moment i can't run five mins without getting exhausted...) then maybe my mind will be better and maybe i'll be able to find myself again...
it's a lot of maybe's but i'd rather try than just be depressed.

sorry that's soppy and all... but that is truely how i feel everyday of every week of every month....